It is widely known that wasting seed is one of the big sins a person can commit.
However, it seems that having relations when conception is not possible--such as during menopause or during pregnancy--is perfectly fine and is even sometimes recommended.
What exactly is the difference and why is the latter permitted?
Answer
Wasted means for no Halachicly recognized purpose, not necessarily done for some reason other than the purpose of conception. Regular relations with ones wife is an obligation, and thus serves a purpose, as does having children.
There is also some discussion of the specific method having to be כדרך הארץ - the natural way of marital relations. This impacts some discussions around birth control as well, so it isn't enough that it just be for the purpose, the method by which that purpose is accomplished is also relevant.
Sources. (שו”ע אבה”ע סי’ כג סעי’ א’: “אסור להוציא שכבת זרע לבטלה ועון זה חמור מכל עבירות שבתורה”. רמ”א שם סעי’ ה’: “אבל מותר לשמש עם קטנה ואיילונית, הואיל ומשמש כדרך הארץ (תוספות ומרדכי פ”ק דיבמות ונ”י פרק הבא על יבמתו)”.
ראה שו”ת אגרות משה אבה”ע ח”א סי’ סג ענף ג’: “אבל לפ”ז ניחא דכיון דפירוש לבטלה הוא לבטלה ממש שאין בה שום צורך ומטעם זה מותר לצורך מצות עונה ושמחת אשתו”. ראה עוד שם)
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