women - Dealing with an asexual wife

Inspired by this question

Many orthodox singles do not know about intimacy until right before the wedding. An asexual girl may of course choose not to get married, however, without prior experience she may find herself to be repulsed by intimacy, only after the wedding.

How should such a situation be dealt with? Do we force her to marital duties? Is there a base for divorce?

Answer

Well, here's Rambam Laws of Husbandhood Ch. 14:

יד,י [ח] האישה שמנעה בעלה מתשמיש המיטה--היא הנקראת מורדת, ושואלין אותה מפני מה מרדה: אם אמרה, מאסתיהו ואיני יכולה להיבעל לו מדעתי--כופין אותו להוציא לשעתו, לפי שאינה בשביה שתיבעל לשנוי לה; ותצא בלא כתובה כלל, ותיטול בליותיה הקיימין, בין מנכסים שהכניסה לבעלה ונתחייב באחריותן, בין מנכסים שלא נתחייב באחריותן. ואינה נוטלת משל בעל כלום; ואפילו מנעל שברגליה ומטפחת שבראשה שלקחן לה, פושטת ונותנת לו. וכן כל שנתן לה מתנה, מחזרת אותן, שלא נתן לה, על מנת שתיטול ותצא.

If a woman says: "my husband is a good man, doesn't beat me, practices perfect hygiene, all of that -- but physically I just find myself convulsing when I get close to him, for no particular reason", she can demand a divorce (though she wouldn't get her ketubah payment) -- we don't demand celibacy of those who didn't go into the marriage on those terms, and we can't ask her to do something on a regular basis that feels traumatic.

Obviously each couple is going to be different. In some situations, therapy may help. In some, they can determine some arrangement that works well enough for both of them. But if either side absolutely demanded out, a beit din would respect that. If they're asking their pastoral rabbi what to do, he'd assess the particulars of their situation before making a recommendation.

Keep in mind that when it comes to Jewish divorce law, sometimes there's "what is legal" and then there is "what would a good person do in this situation?" E.g. if she gets sick and her medical bills are high -- by the letter of the law he could figure out how much he would owe her upon divorce, pay that, and throw her to the curb. Ask any rabbi (or the Shulchan Aruch) what the right thing to do is? Don't be a savage. You take care of your wife.